Current location:	In Front Of The Windmills
Current mood:	quixotic
Current music:	Elliott Smith - Let's Get Lost

Random Blather

Okay, I keep promising to post more here - both clippings and writing - and I really do mean it, but something keeps coming up, either I get really busy, or I find myself feeling mute, or I end up mired in the swamps & quicksands of The Dark Place, or something - there's always something - but I'm determined to try, even if nothing ambitious, I'll aim for something weekly, and maybe go from there.



As an aside, at one point this past winter I was asked by a couple of friends to join a writing group on Facebook, where we would write things just for the group, to be read and critiqued, and for a few short weeks that showed some promise, and I rather liked the closed nature of the group, and the feedback I would get on what worked and didn't work with a given piece I'd posted, but the whole thing seems to have collapsed of late, with the principal instigator caught up in thesis work for a Master's Degree, so I've lost that outlet, and I guess I've just come to the conclusion that this venue is where I belong, at least for now, and at least for my more public writing - and all my whining to the contrary, I *have* started posting back on the 'Book again, after a hiatus of some weeks. (wince)

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Tech talk: I'm typing this on my Palm Pilot - well, I'm typing on a foldout wireless keyboard, with the Palm sitting in a cradle - which allows me to type as if I were using my laptop, and the cool part is that I can fit the Palm in one pocket, and the keyboard in another, and I've effectively got a kind of laptop with me.

Okay, it's not quite all that, and even though it does have wifi built in, it doesn't allow me to surf very elegantly or with any speed, and the small screen isn't conducive to viewing much, but it does work, and it's nice, cost me three years ago about as much as an entry-level netbook does today.

Confession: I admit I am prolly going to pick up a netbook too, most likely an eee PC 1000, with Linux installed, with the 10 inch screen, and the 40 gigs of flash memory, and I'm really looking forward to it.

(Oh yeah, I also want to get an iPod Touch but that might have to wait.)
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I've been on Daddy Duty today, didn't manage to get to sleep till late last night - couldn't, really - and woke up this AM to a cold and dreary day, overcast, drizzly, utterly matching my mood, as I have spent the day anxious and down due to a number of things, most of which I cannot control, precisely which is what gets me most bent out of shape, methinks.

I mean, if I'm honest, I can't control much of anything, really, but I am no different than others in my deep-rooted human need to maintain the perception of being in some degree of control, and when that isn't present, stress ensues, unless one is capable of taking a kind of zen approach and just let go of people and things, which is very easy to advocate to others, and very hard to put in practice.
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Along that line, I was thinking the other day about the well-known scale I've seen that charts changes and stress, and assigns points to each kind of change - even things that would seem good, like graduating, or getting married - and then the user is asked to total the points. If the resulting number exceeds a total of 300, I believe, that person is at risk for their mental health.

But a couple of things occurred to me:

1) I have to imagine that alot of people have a higher or lower threshold for such things, or rather, that they will thrive or crack based on a host of things, including their predisposition to anxiety and depression, and to their ability to employ self-hypnosis or their religious beliefs, and I guess what I'm trying to say is that not everyone fits into such neat categories.

2) I have to imagine that the change and stress measured on such scales results almost universally in a loss of control, and that it's the very loss of the feeling of control that causes a great deal of the anguish for most people - well, it does for me, at least.

I mean, the bad things that happen to us obviously result in loss of control, that's easy to see, but even the so-called good things do too: marriage, graduation, the birth of a baby, all these things bring on a loss of the familiar, and insert an element of uncertainly into our lives, and along with them, a real or perceived loss of control over things that had previously seemed routine.

For myself, I've come to realize that I have control over almost nothing in life, certainly not complete control, not even over my own feelings, let alone what others say and do, and yet not being to really let go of that is precisely the locus of most of the angst in my life, I do imagine.
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As an aside, I offer the following musings on this only-slightly-related tangent:

A favorite pastime of the childless - yes, I've done it, too, and managed to keep it going even after my own kids were born - is to bitch and moan about how parents don't have or keep control over their children, and to be fair, there *are* parents who allow their kids to misbehave, and to get away with things they shouldn't, but any parent can confirm the fundamental truth that you never entirely control your kids, and indeed, even though one must make an attempt, it's really just a fool's crusade.

Indeed, the point is to raise our kids to be independent and thinking beings, not robots, and that means giving more and more freedom as they age - yes, even as youngsters - and letting them make their own mistakes, but I also know that we are judged by our kids and their behaviour, and that ultimately there really *are* societal norms that kids are expected to follow, and it's important to learn such things early on.

But for some people the pressure of living up to the expectations of others is an ongoing hell, having been started for them in childhood, in the bosom of their families, and many of them spend a lifetime never entirely able to recover, growing up to be charming and successful narcissists in their own right, who notwithstanding their considerable skills, spend their own lives in great sisyphusian battles for control of themselves and those around them, leaving trails of damage behind them in their wake, and if they learn nothing from it all, will most likely create yet another generation of little narcissists, and so on, and so on.

(And in case you wonder, yes, I speak from personal knowledge, as I'm well-aware I've probably been some of that, but then again, it's just my opinion, and I could be wrong.)
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I went out for a walk last night, or tried to, but just as I was leaving work, I had an attack of some kind of intestinal disturbance (fill in the blanks, people) and decided setting out on a long trek was not the best idea. Still, I'd been feeling so angsty all day that I simply couldn't *not* get out and about, so I set out for what is one of my favorite spots in the city, the Stone Arch Bridge that runs across the Mississippi River, connecting downtown to Old Saint Anthony. (I used to live not but blocks from there in my bachelorhood, in several different apartments, and always liked living so very close to the river.)

Anyway, I'd no sooner parked my car when I saw some people taking some pictures in the park adjacent to the bridge, and as I got closer I could see a very tame deer strolling along, seemingly oblivious to the flashes, so I got out my camera and took some video of the Bambi as it came right up and sniffed my camera, very strange, but very cool. I'll see about maybe posting it later.
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Anyway, as I said, I was on Daddy Duty today, and when I got up I was feeling as low as in the ever the longest time, but life doesn't go on hold for such things, so I got the girls dressed and fed and out the door, with their homework checked - AE made a mistake on her percentages - and then headed to the clinic to have blood drawn for a Lipid Panel, coming off a 12 hour water-only fasting.

Well, as can be imagined, the techs who draw the blood have a fetish for veins, something they share with medical types the world over - 'ooh, get a load of the veins on *that* one, Margaret! I bet I could start an IV with her, no problem!' - and today's tech staff was no exception, but she was also professional and quick and good about it, unlike some, who poke and prod and leave bruises.

The cool thing is that I was able to log into my medical records site by supper time and get the results:

Total Cholesterol = 162
Triglyceride = 158
HDL = 46
LDL = 84

So I guess the Triglyceride reading is borderline, and my doc may want me to up my meds, but the rest of the readings area within the normal range, I do believe, so I suppose all the hard living has paid off, and I should be glad for that, eh?
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After I went to have the blood drawn I grabbed some breakfast and went to Reservoir Woods to go walking, even though my left foot was hurting something fierce, I still managed to get in some 6 or 7 thousand steps in the hilly trails. It's one of the favorite places in the Twin Cites, just lovely, and urban forest unlike anything else in the Metro Area, in my never-to-be-humble opinion, and today I had it pretty much to myself, as best I could tell - well, at least I saw or heard no others - and in the end, I didn't really fell any better than when I started, but I was still glad I was able to get out and about.

I made it back to the house in time to get LK off her noon bus, and after a quick lunch, ran her across town to her speech therapy appointment, wrote some of this entry whilst waiting for my lovely and rambunctious daughter, and when we were done with her therapy we did a short walk in the woods behind the office, and then to the playground until it was time to pick up AE and take them both to church choir, after which we had the communal meal, and then home for baths, homework and bedtime. Whew!
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Oh yeah, I've written before about how wrong I so very often am about other people - the things they say and do - and I continue to be amazed at that.

See, I am prone to ascribe malice when none is remotely intended, yet fail to even notice those who have the long knives out; I am quite often suspect of those who deserve nothing but the utmost trust, yet I have been known to cast my lot in with rogues who care not a whit for my well-being; I offer my undying loyalty to scoundrels, yet don't appreciate those True and Blue Ones who've stuck by me through thick and thin. (I must say, I have to wonder where I was the day my peers received their inoculations against Gullibility and Naiveté.)

Additionally, I've come to the conclusion I really am a lousy friend, cause I neglect the people I care about, and I don't entirely understand why - well, I know my EQ doesn't come close to matching my IQ - and yet I end up feeling mangled when others do the same to me, so go ahead and say it, something about being a hypocrite, maybe?

In the end, I'm now steaming full-speed through middle age, with my future securely behind me, and yet I quite often feel just as befuddled by it all as I was when I was a wee lad, and for all my brilliance and knowledge, I seem to still have so very much to learn.

Sigh.
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This weekend is the big Festival of Garage Sales at Bryn Mayr, and AE and I are planning on going. It's a lot of walking, and I'll hope my foot hold out, but I'm looking forward to it, and she is, too. We always find some cool little gem that we didn't know we couldn't live without. heh
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Anyway, that's enough for now, methinks, maybe if I'm inspired I'll add to this later, but I'm on Daddy Duty again tomorrow, so I'll prolly be retiring to my Royal Bed Chamber soon, so g'night and g'day to ye, whomever and wherever and whenever you might be reading this.
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