Blogizdat

I have a million things running around my head at the moment, and what keeps coming to mind are song lyrics.

No, really.

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Current Location: Oustanding In My Field
Current Mood: blank
Current Music: The House Of Love - 'Crush Me'

Like the rest of the world, I was stunned at the death of Michael Jackson this past week. Then again, maybe not. I mean, he was kind of mess, really, with the disfiguring scars of his many plastic surgeries, and the obvious emotional traumas of his childhood that were still being played out well into his middle-age.

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Current Location: on the edge of the Dark Place
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: Michael Jackson - Smooth Criminal

It's been a cool and overcast day, the kind that one usually associates with Seattle and/or London - though I've been in Seattle and seen the sunshine, so I have to wonder if that's not just a myth - but it's also the kind of day that most people would call 'dreary,' and indeed, there've been times when I've found such days to be on the dismal side.

But you know, mostly I find gray days like this to be soothing, cause bright sunshine tends to hurts my eyes, and I guess I'm actually left a bit more mellow for all the soft light of a truly cloudy day.

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Current Location: Chained To The Pillars
Current Mood: Com Saudades
Current Music: Regina Spektor - Samson

I'm having a 'meh' day, in the middle of a 'meh' week - okay, it's far more than a simple 'meh' - and there's not much I can to to ameliorate that right now, cause it's all about those things I cannot control.

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Current Location: The Dark Place
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah

Okay, something I really dislike - and I dislike it about myself, too - is when people use words in ways that are different than what they appear to really mean.

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Current Location: Almost There
Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: David Bowie - Oh You Pretty Things

I was thinking just now about when I started blogging, on Livejournal, and I remember exactly how it all happened, what prompted me to dip my toe into the water, as it were, and who my first readers were.

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Current Location: In There Somewhere
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Missy Higgins - The Sound Of White

Okay, I keep promising to post more here - both clippings and writing - and I really do mean it, but something keeps coming up, either I get really busy, or I find myself feeling mute, or I end up mired in the swamps & quicksands of The Dark Place, or something - there's always something - but I'm determined to try, even if nothing ambitious, I'll aim for something weekly, and maybe go from there.

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Current Location: In Front Of The Windmills
Current Mood: quixotic
Current Music: Elliott Smith - Let's Get Lost

Okay, someone else already wrote a book or two on the subject - there's even a movie out by the name, check Amazon for the DVD info - but maybe I can still add something to the topic.

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Current Location: in between grass and hay
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: mina - living in between

I just got a call from my brother telling me my aunt was killed in a freeway car crash this evening around suppertime. Apparently an SUV blew a tire, crossed the median and struck several vehicles, including one being driven by my aunt, and she died at the scene.

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Current Location: In Tears
Current Mood: shocked
Current Music: Taize' - Hallelujah

I've been going full-tilt in the Facebook world for nearly a year now, sometimes posting lots, sometimes posting little, and for all my carping about it, I don't hate it, I really don't - in fact, I kind of like it, if I can accept its limitations.

But the thing is, even though it's possible to write longer pieces on FB, some people actually get cranky about it, and one person I know even went so far as to 'de-friend' me for posting too often, told me it was annoying that I posted so many little things to my FB Wall.

Of course, I know there are at least a dozen of my nearly ten dozen Facebook Friends who not only read, but actually seem to enjoy what I post - or at least they say they do - and what's more, Facebook has allowed me to reconnect with some old friends with whom I'd lost touch for years, and to have some level of contact with persons who'd otherwise be out of my life altogether.

But, with all that said, there's still something a bit disturbing about the whole FB experience.

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Current Location: far from the maddening crowd
Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: Missy HIggins - The Sound Of White

I've been meaning to tell you, and I can't keep this a secret any longer.

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Current Location: Living On The Edge
Current Mood: cheated
Current Music: Barry White - Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe

On December 17, 1981 my best friend was killed by a drunk driver. What follows is something I wrote in his honor and posted several years back, and indeed, have posted more than once, but it's important to me, so I'm re-posting, with minor revisions and corrections.

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Current Location: On The Edge Of TDP
Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: Nick Drake - Pink Moon

I don't get it.

Nearly every day I think to myself that I really need to start writing here again, and nearly every day I find some reason to not do so.

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Current Location: Halfway Out The Door
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: MiNa - Living In Between

Okay, I'm starting this on Saturday night, and I've felt a bit weird all day, just kind of out of my element, partly because I've been coming down with a cold this past week, and partly the same-old feeling of anxiety that plagues me periodically, the kind that feels like it comes from the pit of the stomach and moves up and out of the sternum.

Yeah, that one. Never felt it? Good for you. It's not fun.

Thing is, it's strange that it's not entirely out-of-the-blue, cause there are triggers, and I know what they might be, but it's not consistent, and sometimes they set me off, and sometimes they don't - it's hit or miss, just unpredictable, really. But as I've written here so many times, when it comes crashing in there's little I can do to alleviate it other than to go for a long walk and/or just wait for it to pass, and today my foot has been hurting so much that I couldn't do the walking thing, so I'm just going to have to ride it out.

Meh.

As an aside, it's funny, I've experienced periodic trips to The Dark Place since I was quite young, and yet it wasn't until about two or three years ago that I began to be able to unravel the difference between depression and anxiety. I guess for years I'd thought it was all just the same, and when clinicians would ask me if I was experiencing one or the other, I'd always feel stupid for not knowing how to differentiate them, but now I feel stupid because I can, cause it's like talking about the weather, even having armed myself with knowledge, there's still nothing I can do about it all.

Or something

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Current Location: Between The Glory And The Flame
Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: THOL - Loneliness Is A Gun

Meh

So, we're about to hold yet another election for president in these United States, and the peoples of the world are holding their breaths, hoping and praying we do the right thing by electing their choice of Barack M. Hussein Obama to the highest office of our land.

WTH?

Look, I know this will smack of extreme arrogance and hubris but I don't really give a hoot in hades what some wine-sipping effete French pseudo-intellectual, or neo-Marxist Oxford Uni Econ professor, or power-mad Iranian Parliament President thinks or wants us to do.

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Current Location: a dead-end street
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: mh - where i stood

On Blogging:

I know I haven't written much here, recently, and I keep meaning to write more, but it's so easy to fall into Facebook/Twitter mode (yes, I have an account with both) and just post little blips of nothing to those sites, and it all seems so pedestrian, but then again, that's pretty much real life, too, innit, just a collection of meaningless events, connected by more of the same. Maybe that's why I still like blogging, cause it's only in backing away from the canvas and pondering it all that I can see how the pretty and ugly little pixels actually make up a larger picture.

Or something.

So, anyway, I'll try to write more. I promise. Yeah, know you've heard that before, but you'll see, it'll be different this time, baby. I've turned over a new leaf. I'm a new man. I've changed.

Or something.

Meh.

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Current Location: Over The Rainbow, Still Looking For The Elusive Pot Of Gold
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Black Box Recorder - The Facts Of Life

It's strange, I haven't written here in four or five weeks, and the longer I don't write, the more it just feels like there's no reason to ever write again, but it isn't like I haven't wanted to. I mean, I *have* wanted to, but it feels like inertia takes over, and it becomes ever more difficult to start back in again.

What's feels most sad is that I utterly neglected to note the birthday of my deceased sister on the 7th of September, the opening of the new 35W bridge over the Mississippi River on the 18th of September, as well the 4-year anniversary of the start of this blog on the 20th of September, and I really kind of regret all that.

So, what's been going on?

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Current Location: One Step Off The Cluetrain
Current Mood: blank
Current Music: Derek and the Dominoes - Layla

I spent some time this past weekend installing VMWare Fusion on my Mac, a program that allows me to use alternative Operating Systems.

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Current Location: In A Champagne Supernova In The Sky
Current Mood: blank
Current Music: The House Of Love - Scratched Inside

Most of us have things in our lives - past and present - that we're ashamed of, or at least that we don't like to admit to ourselves, let alone to others, those embarrassing things that cause us to cringe when we look at ourselves in the mirror, knowing full-well how easy it was to fall into the pit that now ensnares us, and how in the past we have looked down our noses at others who'd been so enmeshed.

Please allow me to share my story as a cautionary tale.

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Current Location: At the dining-room table
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: The House Of Love - Crush Me

Betty June, mother of Max, one of my very best friends from college - and since - passed away late this past week.

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Current Location: Just Over The Horizon
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Fiona Apple - Oh Sailor